Vae Victis (NO 17- ATL 14)

f♥♥ king disgraceful. Monday night’s showdown against The Saints was not just another regular season game, it was an opportunity to make a statement. It was a chance to jump from good team to great, and we didn’t. But now I get to gloat because the Falcons proved what I’ve been saying all season long. While all the fair-weather fans jumped on the Matty ice bandwagon and were chanting all that “Rise Up!” bulls♥♥ t, I knew the truth. I knew this year’s Falcons were not a good team destined for playoff success.

Matt Ryan has finally revealed to everyone what more discerning fans have understood for a while now, i.e- that he is nothing more than a serviceable NFL quarterback, better suited as a backup. Now, everyone knows there’s no love lost between Matty Ice and myself; hell, I never gave him a chance from the get-go. While all the sportswriters were riding his pole during a “succesful” rookie season, I kept on using my line about “how many 5th year seniors out of BC have ever been pro-bowl quarterbacks?” etc. But whatever, people need hope, and so they kept on believing in Matty Ice. Fast forward to his 3rd season, and in probably the most important game of his young career, an opportunity to make a real statement against a division rival and conference powerhouse, he completed 51% of his passes for less than 150 yards. For those of you not familiar with football, that’s not good. Other people seem to want to see greatness in this fratboy-looking almost ginger, but I see the truth. The poor kid has a limp-noodle arm weaker than a Democrat-controlled Congress, and in terms of defenses he’s illiterate. He couldn’t read coverage if his team’s victory depended on it. And it does! That’s how we know. Hell, pay me $63 million dollars, and I’ll stare down Roddy White for half a minute before launching the ball to the middle of the field to a double-covered Tony Gonzalez. And “Matty Ice”?! His nickname is based off a beer a desperate middle schooler wouldn’t touch. Even the poorest of the poor, living in urban hell/warzones stay away from Natural Ice. That’s why God invented the 40. Hell,  “Mattwaukee’s Best Ice” or “Matt’s Blue Ribbon” would have been better nicknames. I say trade Matt Ryan to Carolina and draft Andrew Luck. Let’s end this never-living-up-to-lofty-expectations train wreck we’re on.

And the coaching staff…if you could call it that. What does Mike Smith even do? I have no idea. The only news stories I’ve read about him detail his verbally abusing opposing players and pulling hammies while running down the sideline. Boy, that inspires confidence. I say get rid of Smith, and bring in a real coach like Bill Cowher. And let’s not forget the other Mike: Mularkey, which isn’t an Irish curse word, apparently, but a last name. He is allegedly a hot head-coaching prospect for next year. Don’t ask me why. Personally, I’d be fine with letting him go off to greener pastures and replacing him with someone who’s offensive repertoire expands beyond “run up the middle on 1st and 2nd down every time, all the time.”

Oh, and what about little lord Thomas Dimitrioff, another one of Bill Belichick’s hell brood, out to cripple all other franchises outside of New England. Since taking over the GM role, he has drafted 17 defensive players, that’s 63% of our drafting total. We must have a pretty serviceable defense, huh? Wrong! Our defense ranges from mediocre to atrocious, depending on the phase of the moon or something, especially the secondary, one of the NFL’s worst over the last 3 years, despite our GM using 30% of our draft picks on the defensive back position. Well, at least the offense picks paid off, right? We have 3 starters on the offense out of the past 3 drafts, including prodigious wunderkind Matt Ryan.  But hey, why spend any draft picks at all on running back, the most short-lived position in the NFL, when you can just feed the ball to the fat shell of Michael Turner, who was already burned out and broken by the end of 2008? I say ditch Dimitrioff and get a real GM whose strategy is something other than “draft defensive backs, and if none are available, draft injury prone defensive linemen.”

But let’s not overlook the real issue here. The main problem underlying all of this. And that is Atlanta football fans. No one in town really cares about the Falcons. They’re a side note who pique a fair bit of interest during fair-weather regular reason hot streaks, and that’s it. This is a town that celebrated achieving back to back winning seasons. Who the f♥♥ k celebrates back to back winning seasons?! Do people yell out “Hallelujah” when both their appetizers and main course are cooked properly? It’d be like me filing a contract correctly 2 days in a row, and throwing a god d♥♥ n party. It’s what you’re supposed to do! Don’t rejoice over mediocrity; you celebrate Super Bowls, or league records!

But Atlanta doesn’t. We have an apathetic fan base that golf claps every time the Falcons  finish above .500. But I won’t have it! None of the pro-sports teams I follow have ever won anything. It’s not fair! Why do LA, Boston, and New York have to win all the damn titles under the Earth?! Well, I say the Atlanta Falcons fan base needs to RISE UP, and demand success. Not mediocrity, but actual, tangible success. Look at New Yorkers and Bostonians. Everyone knows they’re over-demanding assholes, but their teams win! They win because the players know if all they do is win most games, they’ll get made fun of. Falcons, win the Super Bowl! Your fan base demands it!

I am angry. -Sagramore

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