Open Letter

I ran across this article earlier today. It’s in Japanese, but I think you get the picture. Pair it up with the Samsung Galaxy tab they’re been advertising all over the place, and the signs are clear; it has begun. The race against the iPad is unfortunately well underway. I have some thoughts I’d like to share with Panasonic and other electronics companies.

Dear Panasonic, SONY, Samsung, et al.,

What are you doing? Why are you flooding the market with smaller, awkwardly-rectangular shaped iPad copies that employ a clunkier OS? Whose idea was this? Do your shareholders know you’re paying people to come up with this crap? Don’t you see that you’re playing right into Apple, that god damned evil empire’s hands?

You will not win this battle. That god damned evil empire Apple’s main strength is to invent random-ass gadgets people don’t need, and convince them they do need it. Then you all play right into their hands by copying them within a year. The minute a less-appealing, shitty version of that god damned evil empire Apple’s gadget comes out, it legitimizes that very gadget’s existence in the market. I mean, here’s what consumers thought in 2010: “Oh, the iPad. That may be interesting, but it doesn’t even have wifi or flash support…” Here’s what they think now: “since there’s 28 different versions of the iPad, then it must be a real thing, and something I should buy. But I will buy the actual original better version, and not some crappy copy with Google’s OS  casually shoved inside it like stuffing into a turkey’s ass.”

Conceptual arguments aside, your products cannot beat that god damned evil empire Apple’s. Why? Because they make  stuff better than you do. Trust me. I have an Android smart phone. It is exactly like an iPhone, but with a smaller screen and an OS as rigid as a Catholic school nun. The iPhone is way cooler, and functionally better. But I’m ok with it; I want my electronics like my women, cold and inaccessible. Hell, I’d still use DOS if I had my way. But then here comes that god damned evil empire Apple, with their pretentious stores, perpetually flooded with mobs of tech-fiend consumers, trying to get their fix on the shiny new toys. But you let them get away with it. Call them out on it! Macs are great for that dude in the turtle neck editing his black-and-white photo set at a Starbucks. But for those of us who don’t wear thick-rimmed emo glasses or pretend to like Bukowski, PC’s are the answer. You know, people who do real things with their computer, like check Facebook and play shooting games. Not to mention, their shit is expensive, yo. Their pricing strategy is basically taking the price of an equivalent PC and tripling it. Use that fact against that god damned evil empire Apple! But you don’t. You let them innovate, and introduce really cool shit, and then play catch up…incompetently.

Which brings us to another point…why is your stuff worse? The iPad has been out for 1 year; don’t release a smaller, less functional version of it! The iPod has been out for ever, and the mp3 player (what the category was called before the iPod) has been around even longer. Why do you sit at your desks with your dicks in your hands doing nothing, and let them invent touch screens and overpriced digital music stores?

But here’s the main reason you are losing. You merely create products; that god damned evil empire Apple manufactures categories. When you follow suit and dump your reverse-engineered copy onto the market, you’re forced to play their game, by their rules, and you make them look good! Dammit! For example, just look at the iPad. I’m serious, look at one. It’s a larger, non-portable iPod touch. That’s it. By normal electronic evolution standards, that should have come out first. They just lazily took the tech they already had and made it a size you can’t fit in your pocket. But they didn’t call it the iLargerPod, did they? No, they invented the whole new “pad” or “tablet” category or whatever. That shouldn’t have worked, but fast forward to today, and everyone and their grandmother owns an iPad, and has the heart-monitor App installed.

Not to mention, last Fall’s big announcement was the Beatles on iTunes. The Beatles! They’ve been around since the 60’s, and being able to download them for $1 a song is news? Raise the stock price a couple bucks and call it a day. Ridiculous.

Why do none of you see this? I don’t have any kind of business degree; I’ve never taken a marketing class. Yet I know these things. Here’s some individual advice.

SONY: Just stop copying people in general. Why are you spending billions in R&D to create a bad Wiimote controller for the PS3? The R&D has already been done!  Also, don’t price your products at twice the market average. Why does a Walkman with no touch sensitivity cost two iPods? (Post Edit: SONY recently revealed their upcoming 3-D tablet device…)

Panasonic: You copy everyone, even SONY, and they’re doing badly. Stop all this late-to-the-party crap with shoving blu-ray players and iPads onto the market, and come up with something of your own. Not to mention, your pricing strategy is the same as SONY’s, but for $10 less. You do use attractive women in your commercials and ads though; that’s appreciated.

Toshiba: You’re blander than a wooden fence. You have no personality. The only reason people buy your stuff is you’re the only half-way affordable Japanese electronics manufacturer. Come up with a colorful mascot or something, and try advertising.

Samsung: You’re actually doing ok. You provide quality, reliable products at very affordable prices. But don’t make iPad copies, please. Have you even seen your own pad? It’s just big enough to not be pocket size, but still to small to serve anyone’s possible needs.

American Electronics Manufacturers: Exist! Where the hell are you? GE? Other than run NBC and financial investment companies, what do you do anymore? Zenith, RCA? And we wonder why the economy is crap…we don’t have industry! Our super power status is based on managing finance and owning the world strongest armed forces. Well, I guess as long as the latter is true, we’re ok…

Indian Electronics Manufacturers: Hmm…I don’t think you do much internationally, but if you can provide us with cheap, innovative products, welcome to the Free Market!

Chinese Electronics Manufacturers: I just don’t trust you. You make everything for everyone else already, anyway.

African Electronics manufacturers: I don’t know anything about you, but I know Africa does have at least one computer since I get emails from Nigerian royal family members daily. Can’t wait for my investment to pay off!

I hope I didn’t leave anyone out unintentionally. I said nothing about Europe by design. Anyway, world’s electronics makers, please get pull yourself together, and don’t let that god damned evil empire Apple succeed anymore.

Sincerely,

Sagramore

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